Time for Change

Change…

Something we all hate,

But something we all need,

Believe me it’s annoying,

Not knowing where it will lead,

But it teaches us all lessons,

We would never learn,

That there is something new,

Around every single turn.

I’ve had to deal with many,

Changes in my life,

And early on for me,

It’s what brought about the strife,

Walking to a wheelchair,

Strong to fairly weak,

And a non-invasive ventilator,

All for what I seek.

I’m so used to adapting,

Every single day,

It’s what stops anything,

From getting in my way,

But I’ll be honest,

It wasn’t easy,

Dealing with this fact,

I always thought of something,

That I thought I lacked.

I’ve somewhat overcome,

What once held me back,

The advice from my friends,

Is what helps me stay on track,

They tell me: “Don’t give in,

To what you think you cannot do,

You’ve always adapted,

As long as I’ve known you,

So stay strong and remember,

You’re gonna make it through.”

So listen to your friends,

When they give you that advice,

They’re trying to help you out,

And not just being nice.

Change is hard at first,

But trust me, in the end,

You’ll be happy for the change,

Found just around the bend.

Optimism Vampires

No, I’m not talking about the nice, Hollywood vampires like in Twilight.

And I am not talking about people with fangs instead of teeth who cannot be photographed or come into contact with sunlight. I am talking about the real life vampires; these vampires don’t suck other people’s blood. These vampires bring about more pain than they could ever imagine. These vampires have made lives miserable, and in the worst of cases, have led people to end their life. These vampires suck the Optimism out of people.

Anyone can be an optimism vampire: your peers, your coworker, your boss, your parents, and your siblings. And such a vampire can affect anyone. Have you ever felt like someone just wanted you to be miserable? They continuously look down upon you, degrade you, hurt you in more ways than one, and no matter what, they won’t stop bothering you. In other words, optimism vampires are bullies. Bullies who have such a painful life at home that they decide to take it out on someone else. They seem to look for the most innocent person with low self-esteem. And then they pounce. They do all they can to hurt you so that they themselves can feel better and avoid their reality. And yes, I’ve heard it said many times that it is not the fault of a bully; that they are victimized too. I just cannot even grasp how someone could be at such a low point that they decide to harm another.

Nor do I want the bullies out there to ever feel good about what they have done. If a bully ever saw with their own eyes what affect they have on the innocent person they chose to bully day after day, I highly doubt they would ever pick on someone again. The problem is, most bullies do not notice the consequences of their actions. They don’t notice that their victim has cried every day for the past month. They don’t notice that their victim has stopped eating entirely and has become just skin and bones. Optimism vampires do not acknowledge their actions having any consequences. That is, until the person they brutalized the entire year decides to take their own life. Then they finally get closer to coming to terms with what they have done. But I believe, and I am certain you would believe, that point is too late. An innocent life has been lost; nothing can ever fix that and make that better. Sorry will not ever cut it, not in a million years.

With such a threat to Optimism, I am against bullying in any way, shape, or form.

I know that this is a harsh subject to talk about on a normally happy and motivating blog, but it has to be talked about. There has to be a change; there has to be a way to eradicate the optimism vampires once and for all. So here is a story about my friend who was bullied most of her young life. Please share it and help me spread it as far as possible. I warn you, it is not an easy story to read. It is a story that must be told though. For her sake. For your sake. For my sake. For the sake of all who have been bullied in their life.

She loved music. It made her smile on a bad day. It made every day just a little bit better. This was before music would be what saved her life. Before the bullies and the pain and the agony of going to school. She was happy then. She was like all of us, just wanting to follow her dreams, get good grades, and make new friends. When I first started chatting her on Facebook, she was a kind, bubbly person who was the #1 fan of my blog and of optimism. What I did not know was that she was being bullied. Every part of her was being vocally and emotionally attacked. Her weight. Her personality. Her attitude. Her whole way of life. She was also an amazing artist, and even her artistic gift was attacked for no good reason. Optimism and music were the best defense she had against these monsters. Her self-esteem and self-worth could hardly stand up to the constant battering of her peers. Like any of us would be, she was put past her breaking point and beaten down to almost nothing. But she was still strong, as strong as she could ever be.

In the end though, the bullies were no match for her.

Their words and abuse turned into cuts on the wrist and starvation. She would cut herself to attempt to escape the pain that she lived in day after day. Those scars won’t ever fully heal. She would stop eating in order to feel better about herself and not hear the constant voices shouting in her head about how “fat” and “ugly” she was. But she was far from either of those things; her weight was fine and she was a beautiful person. Without anyone to tell her that, how would she ever know it were true? I’ve told her, and so have those closest to her. After a while, though, what the bullies say seems more like the truth.

If all of this were not enough on its own, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. A disorder where one day may be amazing, but the next may be suicidal. She showed all the signs, but she tried so hard to keep it hidden. I can’t directly link her disorder with all the bullying she went through, but I can guarantee it had quite an impact on it. The month that followed her diagnosis was rough, so rough in fact that she is still trying to recover from it to this day. During that month, she would sometimes hold a knife to her throat and threaten to kill herself. She would cut herself so often that the scars were impossible to hide anymore. Her boyfriend has had to save her from the brink more than once. He was there when she cut herself so badly that she was found unconscious in a puddle of her own blood. He saved her that day; even the doctors said she would not have survived if he had not been there.

So she went to treatment again, which would be the second time that month. She needed help. And right now she is in the treatment center, getting that help. And she won’t be going home until they know for sure she will be able to handle it. She has a long road ahead of her, but she is going to make it out of this. I know in my heart she will…

Now it is time for the end of the bullying, and the end of the pain that comes with it.

Too many innocent people are pushed so far that they have the scars to prove it. Too many victims. Too many scars. I believe it is time for the end of the era of the optimism vampires, before it is too late! My friend has hope, albeit only a glimmer of it right now. She is going to make it out of this and be stronger than ever before. So many of those who are bullied do not have even a glimmer of hope to rest on. They can see no other choice. So this post is for them. This post is for all those who have been a victim. This post is a reality wake up call for any bully or optimism vampire out there to stop their abuse and be part of the solution, not the problem. Don’t think I will ever forgive the bullies, but that doesn’t mean they can’t change. The bullies will always have the pain of their past to deal with when they finally decide to grow up and face reality.

Most importantly, this post is for the girl who loves music. It made her smile on a bad day. It made every day just a little bit better.

And this is when the music will save her life…

Tough Decisions

When someone comes to you and seems to be having a bad day or has been feeling depressed, it’s hard to resist helping them out. For some people, helping others is done only to gain a good reputation or feel good about themselves. But for me, I want to try to help others because I don’t believe anyone should be alone when they are at their lowest. I know that I have had rough days and I’ve gone to my friends or family just to have someone to talk to. It really did not matter what I said or what their response was, what mattered was that they listened and let me get it all out. Being an optimist, it seems that I attract the kind of people that need to find a reason to smile. Of course, I welcome them, because they are the kind of people that my blog was created for in the first place. Sure, some of the people that read my blog are optimists themselves. But I’ve realized that those are the people that have usually been through the most in their lives. One must sometimes go through a lot in order to realize what there is to be happy about at all. Those are the people that I believe are the biggest readers of my blog, the ones still learning and the ones who have already learned so much. If I am wrong about that, please feel to let me know.

My problem is that I can sometimes spend so much effort on trying to help someone else, that I start to forget about myself, my own problems and stress, and my own life. The life of another consumes me and I cannot help but worry about them day in and day out. The hardest thing to do is explain why you care so much, to explain why you are worrying so much about them. And I’ve had some people ask me that. All I can really say is that I begin to think I am right there with them, feeling their pain and crying their tears. Trust me, I know that the pain I feel is nothing compared to the true pain they are feeling inside. It is when I attempt to help out multiple people at one time that I began to lose control and fall into my own slump. A few weeks ago, that is exactly what happened to me. One comment, one simple comment, almost pushed me over the edge.

Someone that I hardly knew at all told me that I was “annoyingly happy” and that it was “not possible for me to be so happy all the time.” I took those words to heart, and they really struck me to the core. Was I annoying? Was optimism really not worth it anymore? It took me two weeks to end my depressed slump and get back to the way I was before. And in those two weeks, I began to rethink my entire life. Even though my friends and family told me to ignore what the person had said, I still began to wonder. Who am I? What does the future have in store for me? The worst part of it all is when I began to think the worst question of them all. Should I even continue my blog anymore? Is optimism worth it still? Looking back on those moments of confusion and doubt, I can say now that I am going to continue my blog for as long as I possibly can. And, yes, optimism is worth it. What my huge realization was in the end, though, was that some people will never be optimistic, no matter what I try to say or do. I’ve accepted that fact, and it has made me wiser now.

This realization also led to the hardest thing I ever done in my life. A few weeks ago I had to cut off contact with one person I tried my hardest to show the beauty of life too. Trust me, I dearly wanted to help this person out. But every time I thought I had helped this person find the light in the ever-growing darkness, I was proven wrong. And I don’t blame this person for being depressed and sad. I don’t blame this person for anything that this person has done. I know that this person has been through much more than what I can even image. What I had to decide, though, was whether or not I could handle the pain and problems and stress and hardship that this person shared with me. In the end, I decided that it was all becoming too much for me to handle. The worry. The feeling of failure, again and again and again, weighed me down. So I had to cut off contact with this person. This was not easy for me to do, and to this day I still think about this person. It may be a while until I can move on, and the same can be said about this person that I tried to help. But at least I tried; I really tried so hard.

My lesson for you is: if you try to help someone, but find yourself being affected past your own breaking point, then it may be time to try and move on. It truly is the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but think about it. If you become as broken as the person you are trying to help, then how can you ever fix anything.

I Don't Know

I don’t know who I am,

I don’t know who I’ll be,

I guess the only thing I can do,

Is wait and see,

I don’t know where I’m going,

I only know where l’ve been,

I don’t know if I’ll lose,

Or if I’ll win…

But I’m gonna keep going,

I’m gonna keep trudging on,

Through the darkness of the night,

Through the light of day.

I’ll carry with me my sorrow,

And every last drop of pain,

It may weigh me down,

Or show me the way,

And I’ll carry with me the good times,

All the laughs I’ve shared,

It may weigh me down,

Or show me the way.

But I’m gonna keep going,

I’m gonna keep trudging on,

Through the darkness of the night,

Through the light of dawn.

Whoever said it was easy?

Whoever said it would be hard?

There are times when we’re scared,

Other times when we let down our guard,

There are times when we’re all in,

Other times we put down the cards,

There are times when we want to play,

But have to wait until another day.

But I’m gonna keep going,

I’m gonna keep trudging on,

Through the darkness of the night,

Through the light of dawn.

Sometimes I will reach a crossroads,

And have no idea which path to choose,

Sometimes someone will go ahead and say,

“It’s better to go this way,”

And sometimes I’ll want to turn around,

To go back to the way things were,

To get off the beaten path,

Since life’s a chore.

But I’m gonna keep going,

I’m gonna keep trudging on,

Through the darkness of the night,

Through the light of dawn.

Maybe one day I’ll find my way,

Find something to make me happy,

I’ll be able to wipe away my tears,

And maybe even face my fears,

But what if that day never comes,

And I’m left all alone?

I gotta remember the future,

Is not set in stone,

I won’t ever know what I will be,

So maybe I should just wait and see?

Maybe at the end of my journey,

I’ll find out what’s in it for me?

But I’m gonna keep going,

I’m gonna keep trudging on,

Through the darkness of the night,

Through the light of dawn.

This journey won’t ever end,

I’ll always be moving on,

From the shadows of the dusk,

To the light of dawn,

I won’t ever know who I am,

I won’t ever know where I’m going,

If I stop right now.

So I’ll still keep going,

I’ll still keep trudging on,

Through the darkness of the night,

Through the light of dawn.

There will always be a reason,

There will always be a way,

To carry on…

Stuck In A Slump

We all feel it at some points in our lives.

And no matter how hard we try to avoid it, it still comes no matter what we do. We all fall into a slump. Nothing makes us happy anymore. We lose sight of our dreams and of reality. Our true self gets locked away and everything we used to feel becomes numbed. Our friends notice a change in us. Our family begins to question our attitude and start to ask, “What’s wrong?” Nothing’s wrong. An optimistic slump is normal. I’ve had days when I’ve felt this way. Whatever I try to do, I am always unable to force myself back into reality. I do not even understand why I am so sad and depressed. On days like these, we all try to fake a smile and trudge through the day not trying to enjoy it, just trying to make it through. But is a slump as bad as we make it out to be?

A slump gets us thinking. We think much deeper than we normally would be. We start to wonder about our future, our relationships, the choices we have made, and on life in general. So what is so bad about that? Everyone needs time to really sit back and put the puzzle pieces of their life back in the correct places. No one can truly go on being optimistic forever without taking breaks to refuel. Our inspiration can run out; nor are any of our feelings limitless. Sooner or later, our feelings need to make a pit stop. Our check engine light does not only turn on when something bad happens physically, but also emotionally. Once the slump ends (and it always does end), you will feel relieved, but also revitalized.

In our fast-paced world we all should be grateful for a break. So, don’t be worried when you start to fall into a slump, unless of course, the slump does not go away after a long while. It’s your body’s way of telling you to slow down and take a very much-needed break. You’ve worn out your resources and need to go on a supply run. A slump gets you closer to yourself than anything else can. So, use that chance you have to look deep inside and try to understand your true self. When you know who you truly are, your confidence will grow and you’ll be able to be yourself, not anybody else.

And at the end of your slump,

Get off of your rump,

And take the next jump into life.

Creative Opportunist

Guest Post - James Lacerenza

I want to share with you the equally important mindset of doing things by creating opportunities even when there seem to be none out there for you to take.  The way you perceive your life really is a matter of attitude.

When I graduated college in December, 2010, I knew that adjusting from a structured routine of going to school every day and interacting with people the same age as me to transitioning towards not having to go anywhere or answer to anyone except myself for the first time in my life was going to be more difficult than the average person, for many reasons.  For much of the last 18 months or so, I’ve gotten used to being in my house every day, doing laundry, stretching out my hamstrings, cleaning the floors, and spending hour after hour on the computer, either looking for a job, networking with friends on Facebook, or making a small income on “incentive websites” like Swagbucks, where the more time I spend on the site, the faster I earn free rewards and some spare cash.

In a world where my future potential boss can find out more about me with one click of a mouse than ever before, I take a risk in even typing out this.  My possible employers really don’t care about what I’ve done in my life, where I’ve come from or what I’ve been through.  They care about how much money I can make for them.  I’d rather take the risk of helping a mass amount of people going through a similar situation today than just take a job working overnights in a hospital or bagging groceries.  These were two jobs I actually was considered for, and I rejected both.  I graduated with an English degree, and I want to utilize it in a job where my skills are essential to the end result.
Perhaps this is why I have had the optimistic attitude of trying to enjoy the last 18 months of not doing a great deal of anything as much as possible.  I also have come to realize that being a writer or motivational speaker for a living, where I can set my own schedule, is becoming the career path I want to travel, even if I “miss out” on the social interaction I crave for the next few years while I establish myself as an author or speechwriter.  Instead of sitting back and waiting for my opportunity in a world of endless job websites – I created my own opportunity.

Realistically, I probably wouldn’t have been able to raise a combined total of about $40,000 during these last 18 months for children with muscular dystrophy if I had a full-time, traditional job.  Nor would I have been likely to meet people like Jerry Lewis and expand my social network outside of my computer screen by actually meeting many of the people I help at different events and gatherings.  I probably wouldn’t have started writing for blogs and for an eventual book, might not have been able to take an hour or two out of each day to go to physical therapy.  I almost surely wouldn’t have been able to ask my boss for time off to explore the possibility of me driving a car, or coordinating an annual community wide fundraiser that is getting bigger and better each year.

I will admit - my current mobility and economic situation does indeed get me frustrated from time to time when I see my friends post a gazillion photos on Facebook of themselves out on family vacations or partying with other friends.  Yet, I realize that I did indeed make all of the wonderful things that have happened for me in the last year and a half happen for myself by not living the typical life of a 25 year old.  Time and again, people both younger and older than me say, “you’re good at this fundraising thing, man” or, “you’re a very talented writer” or, “wow, what a speech you gave tonight”. I tell them I am lucky because I know what I want to do with my life – I want to make people happy by helping them overcome adversity in a variety of ways.
 
The social interaction with other 25 year olds, the pride of bringing home a paycheck in a job where I utilize my skills to my full potential, the relaxation I need sometimes when I juggle my philanthropy with my writing and occasional public speaking engagements sometimes make me sad.  Those are things that the typical 25 year old has an easier time of obtaining.  I actually feel like the path I’m on right now, though not typical, is ideal for me because I am truly happy with doing things the way I want to.  How many people my age can say that they know what they want to do for the rest of their lives, that they will not be deterred from realizing their dreams no matter what obstacles are thrown in their way, and that they enjoy making other people happy year after year by fundraising as they go on their own path?  Probably not too many people.

If all I did for the rest of my life was raise an average of 20 thousand dollars a year for kids in wheelchairs, inspire others by giving speeches and make my own income from writing about my life experiences, I would be thrilled, honestly.  My regrets would be very few, and when put in their proper perspective, quite miniscule compared to my triumphs and my pride.

Malcolm Pray, a very wealthy man in my area who ran a successful chain of car dealerships, said something to me at the age of 13 that has stuck with me ever since I’ve heard it.  It’s a quote that has been often times repeated by others before he imparted it on me.  In his living room, he told me and a bunch of other youths he invited over to see his vintage car collection the following:

“There are three types of people in this world. People who make things happen, those who watch what happens, and those who say, ‘what happened’?  Don’t just sit back and watch what happens, don’t be the person who asks, ‘hey, what happened?’ – make things happen.”

Even though I haven’t had the typical post-college experience, I’ve made things happen by exploring and capitalizing on my passions.  When my friends are searching for what drives them, I will be blessed to already know, and probably will already be chasing after that motivation, full speed ahead.

That is one heck of a positive perception to have about life.

The Observer

As some of you know, a while back I wrote a poem called “From the Outside Looking In” discussing my thoughts as an observer trying to fit in with the crowd.  I think that it is due to the fact that my disability used to make me feel jealous of other people around me.  I was forced to watch everyone around me run, climb, and play sports, while I sat on the sidelines.  I wanted to be able to make the winning touchdown in the football game.  I wanted to be able to actually raise my hand in class and open the door for someone else.  What I believed I truly wanted was to be like everyone else, since I thought that I was not good enough as I was.  Everyone else seemed able to enjoy life, to accomplish their dreams, to be more than who I could physically be.

After a while, though, I was able to realize the one simple fact of life: we all have our problems and we all want what we do not or cannot have. In high school, I learned that lesson by talking to my friends and through hearing the rumors constantly spread like wildfire throughout the school.  These problems that we carry with us may not always be visible, such as our fear of the future, our feelings of remorse and regret, or our lack of self-esteem.  Other problems may be very apparent and visible: our anxiety, our stress, our anger, or even our outer appearance that we believe others find hideous.  Still other problems may be visible, yet hard to identify, such as depression, sadness, or just feeling lost in a world out proportion.  We may try to hide our problems, or push people as far as possible away from them, but that never works.  Or we may instead attempt to get the attention and assistance of our friends or family as inadvertently as possible.  Yet again, that does not solve anything.

I, being an observer for so long, feel that I am better able to notice when my friend needs someone to talk to.  Noticing the smaller and veiled details is something that comes naturally to me.  I know, I know, it is so much harder to look deeper into a conversation in our technological world; there are not many hints found in the simple statements of a text message or Facebook chat.  But if you look deep enough, read between the lines, and actually take the time out of your day for it, then it is possible.  Me?  I try to make time for my friends when they need me to.  I just can’t live with myself if I ever just leave someone without at least attempting to assist.  To me, leaving a friend in need is like forgetting to take the baby out of the car on a hot summer’s day.

So, try to be an observer. It is not as hard as it may seem.  If your friend is not acting as he or she normally would or answers with “okay”, “fine”, or “bad” to “How are you?” then it time to take action.  Ask them, “Do you want to talk about it?” and if they say “yes” then try to talk to them, and most importantly, LISTEN to them as long as you possibly can.  Don’t run away from the problems of others since it may scare you or you feel it does not concern you; being left all alone is the last thing that your friend wants.  Even if your friend says that he or she does not want to talk about it, at least tell them, “If you ever need someone to talk to, I am always here for you.”  That simple statement still shows your friend that you care, although it may seem to be worthless or not helpful to you.  To end on, please don’t leave a baby in a hot car, and I mean that figuratively…

…and LITERALLY (it’s so dang hot outside!)